I hate February....This month brings nothing but bad news...and it's only the 2nd and it has already happend.

My only question is how many times does the same situation happen over and over before you start to wonder if it's you that's the problem.  I think that sometimes your heart can be screaming so loud, and no one can hear it and no one knows anything is wrong because you get that good at keeping it in....

I hate this time of year...

Oh xanga, I will never be a regular poster, there is just no way around it.  I only post when there is wayyyyyyy too much on my mind, or out of lack of a better thing to do.

So, this semester...Internship is going awesome for the most part...I love what I do, which is a plus, I can't imagine being months from graduation and realizing you hate your major.  That would SUCK.  But Victim's Services is fun, and I love what I do, but it is really strange how my supervisor acts around me.  He's so fun and social with the other interns, but with me he just says what he needs to say and leaves.  I think it is just that he doesn't need to babysit me or be fake around me because I understand whats bothering him 99% of the time.  It's still kinda lame though.  But case management is pretty awesome.  I have met soooooooooooo many interesting and amazing people, and I get my own case load starting next week!!!! I can't believe, after four years, I'm finially getting to practice!!!  So I'm a little excited.

But working all day and then going to Ben Franklin's at night blows. I think it just sucks cause I only make like $25.00 for working from 8am-9pm.  If I were getting paid to do all that work it would be pretty awesome. But sadly I'm not, because social workers hate money...or at least that's what I hear.  At least I love the girls I work with now, and am starting to become pretty good friends with some of them.  There is one girl that I have so much in common with me it freaks me out.  But she's awesome, and it passes the time to sit and bullshit with her for four hours.

And then there is Women's Chorus.....which, by the way, I have gotten caught up on   That is HUGE for me!!! I got the tour packets done, both budgets in on time, three funraisers set up for next month, the T-shirts almost done, and I'm putting the final touches on tour   I feel pretty awesome right now about that  I think now the only stress I have is making sure that the fundraisers make enough money, and getting music to the dance we're having.  Not bad though when I think of how much I've done  Maybe I'm not a shitty president after all....

And Steven, welll, we had our first rough patch...which ended like they always do with me bawling and him being amazing.  We are working on some things...and I think things will be okay.  And we have our apartment for next year, which is reallllllllllllly small....but it's just us, so I don't really think we need that much space.  I'm just excited for having a real job, getting a dog, going to Mexico, and Steven and I starting our little family 

Sometimes it's hard to see the good things in life, but now, I'm kind of drowning in good things, so it's hard to get too down on life.  I just have to make it thru March and life will be golden.  Get thru tour and it's easy sailing till May 

Two and a half months since I posted last.  Damn I suck...Let's see...reader's digest version of this semester...

Grades are okay, got one C...oh well.  Only 1 semester left of school!!!!! then I'm done!!! And I think I'm graduating with honors...or was prior to this C.  We will see though.  So next semester is internship 8-4:30, work 5-9 and Wo Cho.  It's gonna be hell.

Women's Chorus will kill me.  That's for sure.  I am pretty sure I have had the hardest Presidency EVER!  All we need to do is bomb a small country for no reason and I'd be right up there with Bush.  Lost two treasurers, failed at a bunch of fundraisers, am about a 1,000 dollars behind where I wanted to be, may lose our Secretary, and am really pressed for time to get tour ready and ALL of next semesters fundraisers together.  Not to mention the grant hearings I have to be ready for, that I shouldn't of had to do, and the fact that I may not be eligable to go to one now.  I love it...

Work- *sigh*  work is work.  I'm a supervisor of a bunch of girls that are really nice, but are new, so they are really needy.  And everything they do wrong is my fault.  I love it too...

Steven-Ahhh, the one thing that really is going well.  He rides my emotional rollarcoaster so well.  He is just so amazing and has the best ways of explaining things to me.  I just can't believe how great he is.

Everything else- SUCK. Well mom's good.  And Tanner is, as always, really good at putting life into perspective for me.  He discussed with me loosing Steph as my Treasurer and about me from everyone else's point of view.  It was strange though.  He compared me to a puppy, that barks and bites at peoples ankles and is always bitching.  He said that's how I used to be, and people could just say, she's just being amanda.  And that they never faught back cause they were afraid they would hurt me, but now they know they can't.  And that I only yell about things that I have thought through and make sense.  It was funny to me.  He said no one knows what to say now. *shrugs*

I have been busy working out a lot of issues in my life, and in the process realized I was suffering from lack of good friends.  Well not good friends, but reallllly really good friends.  YOu know, the ones that know you better then you know you, the ones that give you space, buy know when to ask what's wrong, and the ones that are there when life falls apart.  Because I have found no one there when it did this semester.  Soooo I was rather depressed for quite a while, and decided to fix it.

So I messaged Steph, and told her EVERYTHING. And her response made me cry.  It was sooo good to know that my other shoe missed me too.   And Bill came out of no where and was telling me about how much he missed me, and Morgan with her amazingness, and, as always Chris was there.  And I realized that I have those people...they just weren't where I was looking.  I had misplaced them 

I just can't wait to be out of school, and on my own.  I just feel so out of place.  Like I don't fit anywhere anymore.  Like no one understands me, or will take the time to care.  It's so strange that people say they care, but never take the time to ask whats weighing me down, and expect me to do it for them.  People want you there to hold them up, but let you down at the drop of a hat.  It's enough to drive a girl insaine. 

I guess I'm just in another life altering time periods.  Presidency, Graduation, real jobs, Domestic Violence and Sexual Assualt apparently have strong effects on people.  I feel so old these days, and don't understand people and the choices they make, or the things they stress about, or worry about.  Seems so small now.  College is a phase that is just like high school...I know that now...and all the "College Men and Women" are just older high school kids.  That talk shit, get worked up all the time, that want to "fit in" with the cool people, and care about what people think.  I never thought that two years ago...but now I see it, and see how I was just like that.  Now it makes no sense.

But then again nothing makes sense.  Except Steven, and my mom, and my other shoe.  Past that, I stopped worrying about it.  THere is no point, it just makes you sick feeling.  *shrug* I suppose this means I'm still in the transformation into adulthood.  Things are starting to clear up, but there are still fuzzy parts.  All I know is who I am, what I want, and where I want to be.  Past that...I'm still working on it.  I wonder if some things or some people will ever make sense...cause right now I don't think it/they will. 

But for now...I will hang out with Bill, work with Steph to get things back, and try to single handedly repair Women's Chorus.  That's about all that I will have time for.  Oh, and going to Florida to relax for a week away from EVERYTHING. It will be amazing  Steven can be ourselves there..all lovey and sweet  Sooo...I suppose I'll post again in May

"But they gonna have to take my life before they take my drive, cause when I was barelly breathing that's what kept me alive.  Just that thought that it could be better then where we are at this time, make it out of this grind, before I go out of my mind."

Sooooooo...I can't figure it out.  All of the options I have are all the wrong decision to make...So what do I do? 

Sigh...why can't someone else make this decision for me?